Be ‘fair’ to the fairer sex...

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In the name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate; blessings and peace be upon Prophet Muhammad s.a.w.

Reflection
"Do not spy one another,
nor let any of you backbite others..." (Hujurat 49: 12)
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DURING last Sunday (May 8th) ‘kuliah subuh’ (early morning lesson) at a ‘masjid’ near my house, I followed it attentively as the subject of discussion was provocative and interesting – a wife must ‘gives herself up’ (ready to make love) to her husband whenever he requires it!

The 'ustaz' (religious teacher) was reading on the topic about 'nafkah' (alimony) to ones wife; he must adhere to this commitment in their marriage life. 

Other than the 'normal' livelihood expenses such as food, shelter and clothing for the whole family, a husband must gives special maintenance expenses to his wife so that she could buy her personal requirements such as toiletries and make-up.

"But for the wife to receive the alimony, there are several requirements for her to honor; among them, she must always be ready to fulfill her husband's sexual desire. In short she cannot said 'no' to her husband advances for sex unless she is sick, menstruating, or has just given birth," said the 'ustaz'.

Yes, men can always have sexual intercourse with their spouses; many husbands had this phrase 'buried' in their heads and let it out whenever they have the chance to do so: "Women must give husbands sex 'even on camels'." They were good in quoting a 'hadith' of the Prophet s.a.w. who was reported saying when husband and wife are riding on the back of the camel, when the husband asks her, she must give in...

They too knew of some other 'hadiths' on the subject such as the one narrated by Abu Huraira; Allah’s Apostle said: “If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relation) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the angels will curse her till morning.”

In another 'hadith', Ali k.w. reported that the Messenger of Allah said: “When a man calls his wife to satisfy his desire, let her come to him though she is occupied at the oven.” (Attested by Tirmizi)

 

Not long time ago, Perak Mufti Tan Sri Harussan Zakaria was quoted saying that men can always have sexual intercourse with their spouses even if the latter do not agree because a Muslim women has 'no right' to reject her husband's demand.

According to Harussani, a woman’s agreement to marry will be sought when her father gives her away to a man in marriage. Subsequently, she can only refuse her husband sex if she is menstruating, sick, or has just given birth.

“Once she got married, the dowry is paid, she can’t refuse unless when she’s (on her) period,” he said, saying that the Qur'an clearly states that it will be 'haram' or forbidden to have a sexual intercourse with a woman who is menstruating. (MM)

In our 'male dominated society', whenever the topic on sex between husbands and wives were discussed including in 'masjids'; the favorite argument was women cannot 'in any way' refuse their husbands advances but in more than 50 years of my existence, I had never came across discussion and talk on whether a husband could refuse his wife 'advancing' for sex.

During the question and answer session of the 'kuliah subuh', I did not know from where the strength I had when suddenly I rose to my feet to pass a note to the ustaz which reads: "Assalamualaikum wbt Ustaz - Apakah hukumnya (berdosakah) jika seorang suami tidak memenuhi kehendak batin isterinya untuk bersetubuh disebabkan letih atau lemah tenaga batin?" (What's the position from the Islamic law (is it sinful) if a husband refuses sex to his wife on the reason he is tired or suffered from manly problems such as impotency?)

The 'ustaz' said one important task a husband has to fulfill to his wife is giving her the 'nafkah zahir' and 'nafkah batin'.  'Nafkah zahir' is regarding livelihood expenses such as food, shelter and clothing while 'nafkah batin' are things and actions to fulfill her emotion, feeling to the extent of fulfilling her rights in having sex with her husband.  

Providing 'nafkah zahir' and 'nafkah batin' are both 'wajib' (obligatory), thus refusing sex when a wife 'needs' it, the husband I am afraid is doing a sinful act, said the 'ustaz'.

The husband has to care for her and her desires. She has certain rights upon her husband. Allah SWT states in the Qur'an with the meaning: "...And women have rights similar to the rights of men in a just manner, and the men have a degree (of advantage) over them..." (Al-Baqarah: 228)

Yes, in Islam husband and wife both have the right for sexual satisfaction, a spouse's sexual advances should be welcomed.

Scholars said one basic right of every husband and wife taking on a contract never to have sex other than with their own legitimate partner is that each spouse should therefore provide sexual fulfillment (imta') to the other, as part of the bargain.

They said a women’s right for sex with their husband is established from the Qur’an and authentic Sunnah (hadith) from the Prophet s.a.w.

In the Qur'an we read: {turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging} (4:129) Further the Prophet s.a.w. approved Salman's word to Abu al-Darda': "...and your wife has a right over you." (Sahih Bukhari)

And al-Qurtubi said: “She has over him the same right of sexual cohabitation he has over her.” 

Allah says in the Qur’an, “They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them…” (Al-Baqarah: 187).

Allah SWT clearly points out that men and women are each other’s garment, so a husband who ignores this function (being a garment for his wife, ‘meaning satisfying her needs physical/emotional) commanded to him (and given to him) by Allah SWT has clearly committed a sin.

To those husbands who faced ‘manly problems’, the ‘ustaz’ said: “Please seek treatment...'insya-Allah' you would be cured...but if you still ‘could not perform’ after trying hard over the years, then speak openly to your wife that she is ‘free to go’ but if she loves you and choose to stay on and pardon you for your shortcomings...then 'alhamdulillah' the marriage would be intact! But still keep trying to cure yourself.